Excerpt from PRESIDENT TAFT, OF THE COLLEGE (1973) by Woodrow Slurginz

Obese Driggands College President William Taft, also known as President Laffy Tafty, a relative of rever’d obese American President William Howard Taft, order’d Professor Henry Slurginz to advance his primitive Transhuman Tonic to a most refined Medicology, to hence be certified by the Medical College for use in Treatments of the Future. One must bear in mind that the College was then a place of much thinkage and drinkage, for there intutelaged wast merrily an endeavor and many a garnitur’d night in which the Faculty of the College hath much to do of nothing, to have and to have not, was always assur’d a lot of pints and spirits, for at which point the Faculty begot the idea of the Student Body for participation in the Slurginz Experiment, tho’ was not the custom of the time. Forthwith, Professor Slurginz and his attractive hairline offer’d a full pardon to all those involve’d individuals, for whom much vigilance will be administer’d accordingly, and further’d, for participation in experiencing Transhuman Tonic provocations by the Professor heretofore. Student Body President of the German Student Body Chess Club, Rodney Hellstein, being also an Executive of the Wolfsbane Club, and the Order of the Wolfsbane Club, was foremost in zeal for the aforemention’d endeavor. Post administration of the Tonic found Hellstein and Slurginz wearing ascots of most admirable fashion, being now in the eyes of the College officially, and undoubtedly, Transhumans. The Tonic was a success on every level of perception at the time, and so the College was in a state of song and dance.

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