Letters From Readers: Mickey D.

Earlier last week we received this stimulating letter from an ardent reader and supporter of our blog who we’ll call Mickey D. He has sent us many letters in the past, but never so legible and coherent as this one. The following is a small reproduction of the original letter, much of which was smeared with a pungent substance that instantly caught fire when removed from the envelope. Here it is:

Hi, guys this is Micky. You can call me Micky because my friends call me Micky so call me Micky like they do. I just want to start off by letting you fellers know that many of my most important and irreversible life decisions were made immediately after reading your insightful and revelatory blog. And I mean LITERALLY right after reading it. Example the first and only: the closed-circuit security footage that was acquired by police raid from the Fransdorf K-Mart where I was shot three times with 12-gauge bean bags and “sub-lethally” arrested for righteously assaulting the New York Jew-Ocracy of liberal butt plugs shopping for organic rice cakes and abortions IN THE HOME APPLIANCE ISLE and consequently used to convict me on seven counts of publicly indecent terrorism clearly shows me reading the Wilderness of Mirrors blog post titled A Word from Our Rotten Sponsor, Johnny Rotten, from Down the Hall on my super-phone immediately before disrobing and sexually assaulting the Mr. Coffee display model while screaming “THANK YOU, LUKE AND ALLEN, FOR DIRECTLY INSPIRING EVERYTHING I’M ABOUT TO DO.”

And don’t even get me started on [the following four paragraphs are illegible] right in his house, in front of his kids! I think they’re dead now.

But enough about me. So the other day in my prison cell I was thinking a lot about myself and all that raucous business I committed and getting really hot about it, you know, down there in the cockpit, as my cell-mate, Big Dick, would say, and has said. But just the past week my black, inner-city, born-again, jive-talking, correctional facility pastor tol’ me, I mean he told me, sorry sometimes I write like he talks, he TOLD me that what I think about is real weird and it’s sinful to get a boner when you look at yo’self, sorry when you look at YOURSELF in the mirror. So I’m all like, wait, damn it, son of a bitch, I mean that what I said in response was “but I’m made in God’s image, and God be the one what gave me my spankin’ tastes, I mean my lustful preferences, so how am I doing the sinful do?” And he said a bunch of jive bullshit about Proverbs. So I guess my question fo’ yall, I mean FOR YOU ALL is, am I committing a sin by jacking off to the very image of God? Peace and love.

Micky

Thank you, Mickey, for the shout-out and for supporting our work so passionately. To answer your question, no. Keep up the great work.