Dear, dearly dear, endearing and dearest readers of our humble blog,
I feel a solemn duty to preface the following paid advertisement with a few sad words regarding wretched circumstances and dire necessities. Firstly, our long-time sponsor and some-time office neighbor, Johnny Rotten, from down the hall, sadly passed away on Tuesday of the week two weeks prior to next week. He will be sorely missed by the likes of all for whom his kind acts inspired a deep, heartfelt sense of total financial dependence. Secondly, and even more woefully so, our highly esteemed colleague and treasurer, Mr. Thomas “Wrinkle Free” Dungaree, suffered a most unfortunate mishap during his last visit to First Amalgamated, the bank with which Wilderness of Mirrors conducts all matters of a financial persuasion. For, as he was about to deposit the usual two large burlap sacks imprinted with elaborately serif’ed dollar signs and loaded with solid gold doubloons that, unbeknownst to Wrinkle Free, were to constitute Johnny Rotten’s last and final and never-again’est donation to our most honorable cause (as Johnny was at that very moment dying of a ghost-induced heart attack complicated by acute phasmophobia in a haunted candy shop several hours away), he was held up at spear point by a cunning band of aborigine bank robbers and forced to part ways with both sacks. Those doubloons were to cover our most basic operational expenses, so in order to remain solvent we were forced to sell the following ad spot to our newest sponsor, TomorrowCar Incorporated:
[ALERT! The following message was sent to you from your future self, by way of the deluxe laser fusion space-time phone installed in your new TomorrowCar V1!]
Hello, myself of the past, whose name I surely know,
I’ll skip the pleasantries for now and get straight to the point, which is that purchasing a TomorrowCar is the single best decision you will ever make in your life! I’m currently living it up as a space playboy, cruising through the stars with the top down and the cosmic stereo booming on my way to the next galactic supermodel sex party, and I owe it all to my TomorrowCar V1, the ultimate luxury car of the future.
Let me quickly explain how TomorrowCar can get you behind the wheel of tomorrow, today. First, you visit our corporate headquarters, sign a lot of forms, and purchase a voucher redeemable for one TomorrowCar V1. Then we use your money to build a warp gate linking directly to the fully automated TomorrowCar V1 factory that we already built in the future, when we’ve invented all the necessary technologies. Then we import your TomorrowCar V1 from the future and pass the duty-free savings on to you!
The good folks at TomorrowCar Inc. are only offering this deal to select customers of today, so don’t wait until tomorrow. And remember that I am you from the future, and I definitely bought my TomorrowCar V1 in the past, which is your present, so you have to buy it now or the entire space-time continuum will collapse. See you, space cowboy!