Below is the official funeral transcript exactly as it was Xeroxed from the TomorrowCar Corporation archives. The service took place at the TomorrowCar Chapel on May 27, 2017. The famous journalist Agnes O’Houlihan was hired as the typist for the ceremony. Reverend Horton Heat officiated.
In attendance are John Hollister Rotten’s band-mates, Ruggy, Skunk, and Gutter Bob, his on-and-off-again girlfriend, Jessica, and a host of people paid to fill out the pews. A strange man, with a fashionable all-black cape-and-cane outfit, sits alone in the very back. Reverend Horton Heat stands at the podium.
REVEREND HORTON HEAT: Thank you all for being here. Tonight we are here to honor John Hollister Rotten, or Johnny, as his friends called him. John was a beloved on-and-off-again boyfriend, a generous sponsor, and a caring owner of seven exotic reptiles. He was also an avid thrash, grind, sludge, crud, crudcore, and sludge-crud metal musician. He had developed and followed his own school of philosophy, Ridonkulism. Though most importantly—
Four young men have just busted through the chapel doors. They make their way to the podium. If my research serves me well, the men are Luke, Allen, Evan, and Noah from the TomorrowCar Corporation-sponsored blog, Wilderness of Mirrors.
LUKE: (holding up a piece of parchment) Halt the proceedings, Reverend!
EVAN: Yeah, shut your ass, churchy!
LUKE: I hold in my hand a letter. A letter that was slipped under my door late last night. Inside are Johnny’s last will and testament. I will now proceed to read it.
The chapel doors have burst open yet again! Standing in the doorway is TomorrowCar employee Henry James Slurginz, son of author Woodrow Slurginz. He runs down the aisle toward the podium.
SLURGINZ: Wait! Wait! I have here a letter. It was slipped under my door late last night. John Rotten’s last will is inside. I will now—
JESSICA: Shut the fuck up! I have Johnny’s last will right here!
SKUNK: You wish, bitch! Us three got Johnny’s will. It was right by our door, breh.
LUKE: Hey, hey, what the hell is going on here!?
ALLEN: Yeah, what gives?
NOAH: (pointing at the chapel doors) Who is that!?
The strange man in black stands close to the chapel doors with sacks that bear the dollar sign.
STRANGE MAN IN BLACK: It is I, Rod Driggands III. And I’m taking back my fortune from the vile Hellstein family!
EVAN: Whoa! Where’d you get those cash bags?
DRIGGANDS: Wouldn’t you like to know.
Driggands twirls his cape and turns to run, only to trip and fall immediately. He hits his head on the left door and falls off to the side. The sacks break and gemstones pour out. Mere seconds later the doors burst open, revealing John Hollister Rotten!
To be continued…