Johnny Rotten and the Mutant Shitheads

June 14, 2015.

JOHN HOLLISTER ROTTEN rides a stolen Amigo scooter to the Crystal Valley trailer park. The Amigo has been souped up to go five to ten mph faster. The song “Warning Signs” by Burning Witch plays from his custom Amigo/stereo hybrid music player. He approaches SKUNK’s trailer, where a small jump has been set up with numerous sparklers. He goes off the jump and bails mid-air. The Amigo, still playing the song, lands, rolls forward several feet, and catches fire. ROTTEN gets up and flips off the Amigo.

RUGGY: Nice shit, braj.

GUTTER BOB: Killer dismount.

SKUNK tosses ROTTEN a can of Miller High Life. ROTTEN then high fives the three dudes. SKUNK wears nothing but “tighty-whities,” while RUGGY wears a black robe, and GUTTER BOB wears an Anthrax t-shirt with light jean shorts and black Velcro shoes (no socks).

ROTTEN: The fuck are you chicken doinkers up to?

GUTTER BOB: Suckin’ Uncle Sam’s fat fuckin’ cock, that’s what!

GUTTER BOB briefly humps the flag pole that holds the American flag.

ROTTEN: Righteous, ‘scro!

Suddenly, JESSICA TAFT, ROTTEN’s on-and-off-again girlfriend, storms into the jump with a rocket-powered tricycle. She back-flips twice and lands smoothly. JESSICA gets off of the tricycle and chows down on a Meatball Serenade™ sub sandwich.

ROTTEN: Jessica, you fuckin’ dick! Hey, let me in on that!

ROTTEN takes the sandwich from JESSICA and begins to chow down. JESSICA takes a Miller High Life from the cooler and chugs it. SKUNK chugs another Miller High Life and then looks off into the trailer park ponderously.

SKUNK: Gotdamn, I never realized how beautiful this park is. I couldn’t ask for a better home. It’s been so good to me. To all of us.

RUGGY: Whatever.

SKUNK: Fuck you, Ruggy, I’m serious! Remember when Mrs. McCormac helped hose off the turkey vultures what were trying to eat ya.

RUGGY: That sure was nice of her.

SKUNK: And Bob, remember when your old Anthrax shirt caught fire. The whole neighborhood pitched in to help buy you a new one.

GUTTER BOB nods slowly.

SKUNK: The point is, I think it’s about time we gave back to the folk what helped us all out.

ROTTEN: How the fuck are we gonna do that?

SKUNK: I got an idea…

 

At the town gas station, a clerk talks with his boss.

CLERK: But boss-man sir, we don’t have enough meat for one hundred Meatball Serenade™ sandwiches.

BOSS: Now you shut your big fuckin’ mouth, Billy. I got barrels and barrels of emergency meat out back. Get your ass out there and start making the sandwiches.

In the store, SKUNK and ROTTEN sit on a bench.

SKUNK: Gotdamn, how long does it take to make one hundred Meatball Serenade™ sandwiches! Back when I was working at Hulk Hoagie’s I could make a hundred sandwiches in five to ten minutes. The Flag Day Picnic gonna be startin’ soon.

CLERK: Order fuckin’ thirty five! One hundred Meatball—

SKUNK: That’s us! Johnny, go get the sandwiches.

 

At the trailer park pavilion, GUTTER BOB, RUGGY, and JESSICA drink red punch. The whole Crystal Valley community is there for the picnic. SKUNK and ROTTEN arrive wearing tuxedo t-shirts. ROTTEN pushes a shopping cart with the one hundred Meatball Serenade™ sandwiches. The picnic-goers cheer as SKUNK and ROTTEN arrive.

SKUNK: Come and fuckin’ get it!

The picnic-goers chow down. SKUNK, ROTTEN, RUGGY, GUTTER BOB, and JESSICA wait until the community has eaten to get their sandwiches.

RUGGY: Looks like we’re up, dudes.

JESSICA: Shit, there’s none left!

ROTTEN: There’s still plenty of mayo.

GUTTER BOB: That fat fuck Franklin ate like five or six of ’em.

SKUNK: Oh well, man. Let’s go back to my trailer. I got some hot dogs.

 

At SKUNK’s trailer, ROTTEN and RUGGY smash up the Amigo with baseball bats. SKUNK, JESSICA, and GUTTER BOB sit in lawn chairs and drink Miller High Life. There are screams coming from different parts of the trailer park.

GUTTER BOB: Shit, you guys hearin’ that?

SKUNK: What the hell’s goin’ on?

Suddenly, several trailer park folk arrive at SKUNK’s trailer. They are foaming at the mouth and appear to be oozing. One man gets close to JESSICA.

ROTTEN: Hey! How dare you step to my girl!

RUGGY: Hell yeah, kick his ass, yo!

JESSICA: Ew, he’s like getting slime in my beer and shit.

ROTTEN goes over to the slimy man and punches him in the gut. His fist goes right through the mushy gut, which oozes out green and purple slime. The man also vomits this same substance all over ROTTEN.

ROTTEN: The fuck, man!?

A different slimy guy comes toward ROTTEN. He tries to grab ROTTEN but RUGGY hits the guy with his baseball bat. The green and purple slime splatters everywhere.

GUTTER BOB: Uh, dudes…

GUTTER BOB points toward a large crowd of slimy, moaning trailer park folk coming toward them.

ROTTEN: Looks like they turned into crazy ass mutant shitheads!

GUTTER BOB: What do we do?!

SKUNK: We should call for help and wait it out inside. It’s our duty to stay here and like find a cure or something.

ROTTEN: Fuck that shit. Let’s bail!

RUGGY: Yeah, I’m with Johnny.

SKUNK: Ah, you fuckin’ assholes. Alright get in my van.

The five of them run to SKUNK’s van, but MRS. McCORMAC is blocking their way.

SKUNK: Aw no, not Mrs. McCormac!

ROTTEN: She’s a mutant shithead now. Get the fuck over it.

ROTTEN punches her in the face and they continue toward the van. They enter the van and drive towards the exit, hitting several trailer park folk turned mutant shitheads on the way. FRANKLIN is standing near the exit, waving his arms.

FRANKLIN: Help, help! Oh thank God you’re still alive!

SKUNK swerves toward FRANKLIN and hits him. He then drives through the exit.

GUTTER BOB: Uh, I don’t think Franklin was a mutant shithead, dude.

SKUNK: Oh I know.

 

A few days later…

SKUNK, RUGGY, GUTTER BOB, ROTTEN, and JESSICA return to the Crystal Valley trailer park. A fence has been set up around the perimeter. The five hop the fence and go to SKUNK’s trailer. The trailer park is completely desolate. At SKUNK’s trailer, RUGGY finds a cooler filled with Miller High Life.

RUGGY: Hey, it’s still cold, dudes!

They all sit in lawn chairs and chug beers, except for SKUNK. SKUNK stands, gazing ponderously out into the now empty trailer park.

ROTTEN: Yo, Skunk!

ROTTEN throws a beer at SKUNK, who catches it, chugs it, and burps loudly.

SKUNK: Fuckin’ A.

 

End.

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