[A MESSAGE FROM Allen 0]
Dear readers, I regret to inform you that this is the last time you will be hearing from me. My experiment with the particles of light is complete. The bloody and irreversible results, and I mean that in every conceivable combination of senses, have been nothing short of a catastrophe.
Originally I believed, as the totally legit looking retail website from which they came suggested, that the particles of light were dust from the higher plane of transcendentalism. It turns out the particles of light were in fact fission reactions suspended in time by what will someday be known as an “anti-energy field.” They are the primary source of cross-chronal-locomotion, more colloquially known as time travel. Indeed Evan’s V1 from TomorrowCar Incorporated runs on the very same particles of light. Or at least it did run on them until we ran out recently doing chronal-donuts at the Denny’s, watching people eat and un-eat syrup slathered flapjack stacks.
You see, I first discovered this during a rescue operation in which Luke and the gang saved me from the cellar of a serial-killing fan of our blog. I was told to wait for a code phrase and I was expecting, as is typical in the circumstances, that I would wait patiently through a conversation between Luke and a dastardly villain, in which the phrase “the hen flies in this timeline” would come up quite naturally. Instead what I heard that morning was a series of statements, all from Luke, by himself, on the other side of the door. I cannot remember them all but a few memorable ones included:
“In this timeline we rolled a seven on a six sided die.”
“This is the timeline where the moon actually is made of cheese.”
and quite strangely:
“Gaber flapsuplot an rektushactulation fois a lesterpall and grank. Gaber jaban fois regorot the credupolt“—a phrase which I claimed was gibberish not long ago, but which may in fact have a meaning, a revelation which would bare further investigation. Alas, since this is my last post, someone else will have to take it up.
When I finally heard him say “the hen flies in this timeline” I slammed into the door and found it had been unlocked the entire time. I could have simply left at any point. Yet to my surprise, there was no one on the other side of the door! Suddenly it all became crystal clear: I had been hearing Lukes from all over the multi-verse identifying which timeline they were from. Thanks to the particles I had been slipping fluidly between neighboring timelines, and all the timelines were “bleeding” into one another. The good folks over at the flying hens timeline did a lot of work to help me re-synchronize with a single timeline for a little while but once I got back to my home timeline for Johnny Rotten’s funeral, the “bleeding” resumed.
Right now I am in a neighborhood of timelines where there are no traces of particles of light anywhere. Evan’s V1 is empty, TomorrowCar Incorporated entirely failed to invade the past, and their warp gate was fashioned into a community swimming pool for Johnny’s band at the trailer park. The website selling the particles of light was never created here, and no one here seeking transcendence has ever heard of the particles of light. That just leaves me, the one and only entity in this entire timeline currently possessing these accursed cross-chronal-locomotive particles of suspended fission. Unfortunately the damage done to my own rectum is quite irreversible and the particles will be with me forever. That is why I have dubbed myself Allen 0, and will now incinerate myself to energize the particles of light and guide them with the V1’s steering system out into the interstitial moments between timelines. A final ripple of time travel, in the otherwise tranquil sea of this timeline.
Goodbye, everyone! You’ve been a great blog readership…I assume. I wasn’t born in this timeline after all.
[A MESSAGE FROM Allen 1]
Dear readers, I have great news for you! Allen 0’s self immolation did not go according to plan. He did remove the last of the particles from this timeline, and he did kill his own self in the process “irreversibly” stopping the “bleeding”. But he had not counted on my own experiment in which I was attempting to divert energy from other timelines into my own for the purpose of making a stable timeline with hundreds of Allens, to defeat the cyborgs and save the overlord.
Unfortunately my plan did not quite work as expected. I thought I would be pulling Allen 0 into my timeline, but instead I was pulled into his timeline by the energy released from his incineration. Therefore, you all in this timeline will continue to get posts from me. Well, actually…I suppose you will begin to get posts from me, and you will continue to get posts from Allen.
After some investigation of Allen 0’s own notes I have concluded the following:
1. This is indeed a timeline where not a single trace of time travel technology still exists, except for the guidance system and the chronometer of Evan’s V1, but without cross-chronal-locomotive fuel there is little use for them.
2. Here Luke, Noah, Evan, and Johnny Rotten, our sponsor from the upstairs suite, all appear to be from various different timelines too.
3. Disturbingly it looks like Allen 0 neglected to check on the status of the original Luke, Noah, Evan, Allen, and Johnny Rotten, from this timeline where we have all settled. I see no evidence that any of them were killed. In fact it looks like the warp gate never worked in this timeline, except as a very roomy swimming pool. Seriously, for a community swimming pool it is surprisingly clean and not usually too crowded to enjoy.
Anyway, we are forced to assume the originals are still here and we dub them:
Luke -1, Noah -1, Evan -1, Allen -1, and Johnny Rotten -1
We were unsure what to do about the -1 gang, so we tossed a coin. We now declare the -1 gang our sworn enemies. We will hunt you down and wipe you from the face of this earth and we will never ever surrender the blog. Seriously, fuck you guys.
Psst -1 gang, if you’re out there, the damage done to the timelines by the particles of light in Allen 0s rectum is irreversible. You’ve just got to deal with us now. And we’re really sorry the coin landed on heads. The other option was to help you start an affiliate blog on a Mars colony, but that’s not how things went.
4. Blog posts from all across the multiverse appear to have “bled” through the timelines along with Allen 0, which is not at all surprising since the blog will be the primary nexus of information for all of mankind in the future. The time traveling super computer virus from an aborted future appears to have been helping along this “bleeding” process.
5) Whether the virus is still with us is unclear to me at this time, but it seems extremely likely. Furthermore the fall of mankind is almost certainly imminent, so start stocking up those fallout shelters.
So what is the moral of this happy tragedy? Well it seems to me that Allen 0, at some point, took a teabag filled with particles of light and inserted it up his rectum, which coalesced with TomorrowCar’s invasion plot to create this entire “irreversible” “timeline” “bleeding” fiasco. Please, readers, do not put things in your ass if you do not have a very, and I mean VERY, carefully planned exit strategy, or instructions from a doctor.
Finally, we assure you that moving forward we plan to resume bringing you chronologically well ordered posts to the best of our ability. Thank you to the readers in this timeline for being patient with us during our transition into your history!
All praise the overlord.
Before his body was sacrificed to strengthen the overlord, I told the Luke from my timeline to announce the phrase “gaber flapsuplot an rektushactulation fois a lesterpall and grank, gaber jaban fois regorot the credupolt” just to mess with Allen 0. It is definitely just gibberish, but man did I get him with that one!