Top Speed Tomorrow, OR, The Car That Almost Wasn’t, Scarcely Was, and Certainly Might Have Been: A Product Review

Greetings, fellow gear-heads! Evan here, alive and typing, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for my much anticipated review of the TomorrowCar V1, a currently nonexistent car from the fabled yester-future. As far as tech news goes, this is as cutting-edge as it gets, so all you drooling garage sluts, hot rodders and drag strippers out there better open your lusty grease-caked gossip gullets and prepare for my sticky hot shaft of red-blooded all-American automotive reportage! As I have often said that I should start saying more often, less talkin, more gawkin. Check this shit out. Bitch.

TomorrowCar V1 technical specifications

Dimensions: 12′ long, 7′ wide
Weight: 76 metric tonnes
Ground clearance: Variable. Vehicle is capable of stationary flight.
Primary engine: Unholy Monstrosity™ 3rd generation mass blasting energizer unit, powered by premium unleaded anti-energy stabilized fission granules (commonly known as particles of light).
Top speed: Tomorrow
Acceleration: Cubed
Quarter mile time: 0 seconds
Turn radius: The least
Body material: Hard light construct
Interior scent: Arousal™ by Seduction

The TomorrowCar V1 is not your grandfather’s manure sled. This apotheosis of automotive technology took 400 years of research and development to create, and it’s spirit screams “I’m better than you.” Allow me to briefly describe the experience of simply entering this vehicle. You walk up to the driver’s door and it de-materializes, sizzling back into existence as you climb into the seat. The luxury smart gel re-forms to your body, pushing all your buttons. The audio beams start pumping a solid stream of cosmic party music known as Flub Jams into your ears. You tense up, knowing full-well what is about to happen, and then the scented atmosphere hits your nostrils, slithering its pleasure tentacles through your olfactory bulbs and into your brain. That’s it; you have only been in the car for 5 seconds, and you’ve already reached an intense sexual climax, the first of several that you will experience through the course of driving this magical machine.

Take it out on the track and prepare to blow your competitors away, literally. The V1 is capable of defying physical laws that we don’t even know about yet; it plays by its own rules. In an atmospheric environment, this hot tamale is liable to set fire to the air, and you can forget about speeding tickets–it’ll pull 50 light-speed donuts around those fat pigs before they have time to say “well, shee-it.


Keyless ignition system

Performance and handling aside, the V1 does have some serious drawbacks. The main thing is the chronal locomotion capability. Now, don’t get me wrong, time travel presents some awesome opportunities for road trippers, but its tendency to tear at the fabric of the multiverse is a bummer. After the couple of hours I spent joyriding through space-time, popping sick wheelies in the space between existences, driving all the ladies wild and leaving a wake of causal destruction, I can definitely say it’s not worth it. You learn a lot of stuff about theoretical physics, which is cool, but there are some weird multi-dimensional bugs in the design that are super uncool. as well.

Another uncool thing is the layout of the dashboard. This thing makes no sense, and I had a hell of a time figuring it out. A lot of crazy linguistic stuff must have happened in the 400 years that TomorrowCar Inc. spend designing this car, which renders it totally unreadable. Various parts of the console were probably designed at different times in the development history, so the whole dashboard is almost like a geological layer cake of incongruities. Some of the systems added in the later 2300’s require advanced cyborg neural networking technology to operate and are clearly weapon systems, which leads me to believe that the whole program was probably hijacked for nefarious purposes as TomorrowCar Inc. gradually became more evil. There is a lot of shit stuffed into this car, and I probably didn’t even scratch the surface in the few hours I had with it.

climate control panel

A portion of the climate control panel

Anyway, here are my final scores:

Driving capability—A+
Exterior design—A+
Interior design—B
Chronal mobility—D+

Overall experience—unforgettable

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