We are delighted to reveal to you a particularly revelatory revelation, courtesy of long-time reader, first-time writer, Pope Francis, the Current. P-Franks, as his nearest and dearest confidants call him (us being they), is a self-confessed super-fan of the blog, and its contents, and has been for many Moondays. Recently Funky Fresh Francis penned us with some annotated exaltations.
We will spare you the lion’s hair of his letter, which spilled all over the floor when opened and could not be recovered, and also the lion’s share, which turned out to be a disappointing pile of fawning, obsequious lickspittle horseshit. But there was one redeeming annotation. In a clear bid to win the favor of us cool kids, Triple F McPope threw in an extremely old papyrus napkin on which was scribbled, framed by several fertility glyphs (also known as ejaculating dick-and-balls doodles, in the modern parlance), a lost book of the Bible. Below is a small fragment from the book of Pontius Pilate, which we translated from the ancient pig Latin:
Finally, just as the crowd was beginning to disperse, Jesus emerged from the bathroom and washed his hands of it. He turned unto them and said unto them: “Do not enter that place for forty days and forty nights.” Among those gathered there was much confusion. A Chaldean elder then stepped forward, addressing Jesus.
“Hi Jesus, my name is Joephat. I’m a long-time follower, first-time speaker.”
Among the crowd was much speak of “Hello, Joephat.”
“Jesus Christ, my problems are numerous as the stars in the heavens,” spoke Joephat. “Can you help me?”
Jesus was silent for some time, gathering his patience. He then spoke, “for each heaven I shall aid you in one problem. Since by my last count there is only one heaven, you must choose wisely.”
Joephat said “I have two daughters, each fit to marry. Both love the same man. With my approval, this man would gladly buy both. Would this be sinful?”
Jesus massaged his temples, and then spoke unto the crowd in answer:
“Two fishermen were rowing their boat to shore. The one lost his balance and fell into the water, but he was fortunate to fall in such a way that his head remained dry. The other did not notice and continued toward shore. The one in the water called out to him, brother, I have fallen into the water but my head is dry. The other cried back, swim to me. I am trying, replied the one, but you must stop paddling ashore. The other laughed, saying, surely it is not I who should slow but you who should hasten, for your head is dry with lack of effort. But I am swimming as fast as I can, cried the one in desperation. Thoroughly irritated, the other redoubled his efforts, saying, everyone knows that swimming necessitates wetting one’s head. Therefore, as your head is dry, you must not be swimming. The one, now confused and quite tired from exertion, asked of his brother, but if you know that I am not swimming, and I know that I am not drowning, then what could I possibly be doing outside of the boat? The other replied, quite adamantly, there is nothing you could be doing outside of the boat besides swimming or drowning, both of which would wet your head. The one, now at peace, said, I suppose you are right. The two paddled to shore.”
Among the crowd there was much murmuring and many unanswered questions. Joephat opened his mouth to speak, at which point Jesus abruptly and rudely proclaimed “I tell you the truth, it is a long way to the top, if you want to rock and roll. Meeting adjourned.”
More fragments will be published as they are translated. Thanks again to Freaky Francis way up there in his Crystal Palace at 1 V-Town Lane, Holy See, for the papyrus and nothing else. Better luck next time, Fisty Boy.